Memories, Forgiveness, Healing

I'm a simple person. I have no agenda. I rarely think bad of anyone. I do have thoughts of people who were mean to me for no reason I can think of. There is this guy at work Pead who is in charge of the computers. He never talks to me. It could be racist. He cheerfully greets others of his own race. Me, he just nods to. One of my buddies who works for him said he has no people skills. I know computers is a young man's game and he could be afraid. I am sure the 20 year olds at work know more about computers than he does. Senority counts. Mostly years.

I worked at another job where one man influenced a woman to dislike me. I thought I got along well with both of them. Now this is what I really don't like. Phoniness. Don't smile to my face then stab me in the back. I rather the guy at my current work who just nods to me than this man and woman.

I believe God puts me where he wants me to be. I believe there are stepping stones. My job is to be happy where I am. When I pray I feel better. When I don't, I don't feel good. I have to remember to pray not fret.

Loving one's neighbor as thyself is hard because I don't know myself. That is my biggest challenge.

My therapist said it is because of what happened to me in childhood. I got little at work the other day feeling ill. This back injury is both a blessing and a curse. If I remember to listen to it and not fret, I am ok.

I love my life, but it is hard. I am blessed but it is hard. Living is hard.

Ritual Slaughtering of Cucumbers

Houston we have a cucumber.

It is much too early. Not even July. I didn't like the looks of the inside of it. It tasted decent enough. I made and ate my first cucumber sandawhich of the 2008 Season.

Adam is in a flunk. He worked too hard on his vacation. He is exhusted and depressed about going back to work. My Saturn is in the shop again. It was just in the shop last Thursday.

The weather has been warm, rainy. Next week I am going back to work two full time days, Tuesday and Thursdays. I am happy. I plan to use the Lidocaine Patches for any pain. My MD said he would order them for me because my drugstore has been slow getting me my workman's comp meds. I am annoyed at that.

Today is my youngest son's birthday. He is 22 years old. I miss him.

Better in Paradise

I worked today, 4 hours. came home. I actually felt good. I did dishes and even swept the kitchen floor. I napped. We ordered Old Pizza for dinner. It was good.

Adam built a shed for the wood. It looks good and he worked very hard today. I am proud of him.

I am going to read magazines now, maybe a few chapeters of my novel and glance time to time at tv.

I got bitten by mosquitoes on my right leg. How annoying.

Blah in Paradise

I haven't written in a very long time. I got hurt at work. I just couldn't sit online.

Today I fell. At work. I am frustrated. Mad and worried about a ultra sound I had on Monday.


I try to think positive but it is so hard when all I get is suffering. Nothing ever works for me.

Early in Paradise

Up too early. Bad dreams. I need a new bathrobe

Did a lot yesterday. Planted. Garden decor. Read. Slept too much. Ate too much. Reruns on tv. Adam watching.

Saw Snugglesmom. She looked very pretty. Beerman over to see flowers on deck. Drunkenly told us about an "issue" He has with Snugglesmom. Poor thing. Adam said their house is a shack they live in. Beerman not Snugglesmom. Her house is beautiful and she decorates it so nice. It should be in a magazine.

I just accept neighbors.

Bugs have started. Damn!

Feeling Better in Paradise

When I got up this morning after dreams of the French Revolution and Mafia my pain was about a 4. After PT is was gone. I felt good. I went to the library and got very tired. Slept. Adam came home from work washed out from chopping wood at work. Pasta for dinner. Just don't feel like doing anything. Rainy. Lots of free stuff in mail today.

Another Monday in Paradise

Phone calls. Sleep with odd dreams. Relatively pain free day. I am just so tired. I slept like 7 hours all ready and I still haven't gone to bed yet. From 12midnight to now it has been 7 hours I slept. It was rainy. Adam said it was a beautiful October day.

Rainy Sunday in Paradise

At least the plants are getting watered.

Went to Home Depot. Adam pricing wood for lean to. We are going ahead with wood burning stove purchase. I walked. Felt tired. Took another CEU. I need 20 (I think) by the end of May so I better get on the ball.

We went to a farewell party for soldier boy and wife. Had a real nice time. I wish the two of them the best on their moved down south.

I used the 10s machine today. On both my back and my wrist. I don't think it is effect on the wrist.

Doing Nothing in Paradise

Maybe this lazing around works. I have spent the day not doing much since Adam effectively grounded me. We are going to a farewell party for friends kicked out of Paradise. No, only kidding. These friends are moving down south. Bless em. Good kids. So Adam said if we are going out tonight I am not to do anything. No repotting, no moving stuff around, (like I can. I was going to nag him to do it), no nothing. My back does feel better, although I am out of work until at least next Friday. If I lose my job, I am going to be mad.

Excuses in Paradise

Last Tuesday I got hurt. I bent over to get my stuff out of my locker at work and sprained my back. I've heard of this happening to others but I could not imagine it hurt so bad. I couldn't move, couldn't sit down, couldn't bend my knees. I called Ada, and then work called 911. They helped me sit on a stretcher but it really work. If a guy didn't support my back and hold my arms I don't think I could have done it. I was taken to the ER but not before an IV was inserted that I still have bruises from. Just a pinch my ass. I was given drugs, Tourmonline or something and Valium. X-rays were taken. I couldn't sit down to go to the bathrm without a lot of pain. I had loose bowels 4 times after that, then got my period which I just had 14 days prior. I was given scripts for Skelton, Motrin, Percocet which of course takes the pain away but don't take it. Drives me nuts. I have been out of work since then. It will be a week tomorrow. and that is why I haven't written since then. I have been down, in pain, worried, sleeping a lot. Yesterday there was a Northeastern. Sitting still hurts a little. I have been reading, watching too much useless tv and sleeping. Eating too much also, I am sure. I am out of shampoo. Blah!

Chill in Paradise

It's cold. Adam planted several of the baby plants that came in the mail. I hope they are ok.

I'm ok. Dyed my hair white trash mother-in-law red. I'm not liking it. Many people think it is ok. Adam likes it. What is more important.

I need shoes and spring slacks. Waldo nixed 3 pairs of my shoes that I have been wearing since September. And no capries until May 30. It sucks.

Dreamt of T-Rex monsters trying to find me and eat me. I think this is the second time I dreamt of that in the past week. I found safety by going lower and lower and locking myself in boxes. Rooms with no windows. It wasn't just me it was a whole city. And sometimes the monsters came inside the buildings and attempted to eat you.

Adam and I made love last night. Yummy.

My work is doing away with insurance on Monday. I don't know where the insurance people are going to go. All I know is that there have been many trainings and all the big cheeses are quiet and upset. I've been there six months now. I still like it. I wish I had another team leader than Waldo but he is from overseas and I think it is just a cultural difference. Or maybe because he is a Martian. Any which who he is not as warm as Alice.

Yesterday in Paradise

Phones were crazy at the Sugar Mine and yet the service level was low. Half of Insurance called out and the other half were wondering why they didn't. People usually smiling were grumpy hiding behind huge sunglasses like their husbands had blacken their eyes. Even Canadaheart was pissed. I smiled, trying to do my job, knees not hurting on my power walk, trying to think good thoughts about the big A.

Wet also. Dogs didn't want to go out and play in the dawn as they usually do the little morning stars. I had enough to read and lots of cases so I wasn't bored and thinking. I like to keep busy so I won't think.

Something (or someone) bite me on my left wrist by my veins and it still itches today.

I dyed my mane red. Deep motherinlaw red that was a mess all over the bathroom and shower stall. And I forgot to wear gloves so one of my nail base under the cuticle looks like it is bloody and raw.

Moonchild raved he isn't getting any sex. I was like what? His meds are really bothering him.

Today I'm up to early with the wet dawn. Stars scratching at door to come in. Need egg. Going to stop and get a salad and egg sandwhich. Maybe I should leave 10/15 minutes early?

Pain In Paradise (And a lot of my joints)

Went to New Hope yesterday. Walked around for an hour. Up hills. Down hills. Up stairs. Down stairs. Is there any surface level in New Hope? I am suffering today. S U F F E R I N G. I am miserable. And I have so much to do. Paradise is messy.

Adam & I and stars went to Home Depot and purchase shelves for the spare room which Adam quickly filled with stuff from the spare room. It looks neater. It really does.

He is out planting Hosta's now.

Why do I buy bare roots? I spend so much money and they never grow on me. I hope these do.

I did laundry, dishes, paperwork, water indoor jungle. Slept. Ate way too much. Talked to Michele Angelo. We were speaking about ghosts and such.

Michele Angelo believes that Spirits can touch you and speak in your ear and basically can annoy you. There are evil spirits.

I believe that if you protect yourself no one can hurt you. You have to let them in. You have to be on their level.

Being reborn again Christ is with me. I never worry about anything. I am afraid sometimes. And I do fear death. I have no idea what is going to happen to me after death. I am afraid of punishment. Those are my own fears and it doesn't make them true.

It is hard to work The Secret when you feel like I do because most of the time I feel miserable. I put on a good front, happy, helpful. I hide from Adam. But I feel rotten. Not emontionally. I am happy. But physically I hurt. Suffering for beauty I guess. HE HE.

Memories in Paradise

Just playing Chickenary and the word "Astute" brought back so many memories I had to take my glasses off.

Adam said, "Who is this Astute?"

I replied: "Not very"

Actually I didn't say anything. 13 years is a lot of years. Let's just say it was a roadside inn on my way to paradise.

But I haven't felt before that inn for many, many years. It was like a spell, curse. It was like addiction.

Snakes, It was addiction.


I knew an Eye lets say a Peye. Everyone in her wasteland thought she was the snakes' apple. I knew her truely. And judged. And competed. And was jealous. But she created a lot of chaos, change, and issues in my life. And for someone who "knew" so much, she should have known better. But there are many snakes in our lives and many have legs. Fat legs and arms. I'm just being mean. All I know is that I try to work for the good of all.

Like my mother would say, ho rah for you.

Eating in Paradise

Today I started Weight Watchers, stayed on a diet and still ate more points than I'm suppose to. I'll be more careful tomorrow.

Queen B changed her ringtone so when I call her phone plays "It's Raining Men". What fun.

I was still kind of wired today at work. It took 2 B-12's and laying off the coke. I did get a new mouse. I did talk to the Big A. I told him I felt unheard. I still don't know if he heard me but I got a new mouse.

Dogs have been barking a lot. Windows are open I guess.

Too Damn Early in Paradise

Been up since before 6 am. I joined Weight Watchers on line today. I am looking forward to following the food plan because I better follow some damn food plan.

Yesterday night we went to Mother Goddness' for dinner since it was Adam's birthday. She made a big fuss like she always does for the three of us. And we left early like we always do because it is a week night and we are exhausted. She even had ice cream cake. Hmmmmm. How many calories/points whatever do you suppose are in ice cream cake?

So today feeling somewhat rightous I type this. I have been having an issue with my mouse at work and feeling really irrated. Today I will not. I will just do the best I can do.

Pain in Paradise Lost

I like my job. It is the perfect job for me right now with my broken paw. Today my mouse wouldn't work. I told my supervisor Waldo, twice. Nothing was done. My wrist got a bump. I had to ice it. I told the wonderful Alice supervisor and she had me move my desk. Then someone I don't know the name came on night shift and sat in my place with the errant mouse. I hope unknown got it working.

Adam was off today, resting up from his weekend in wiring. He deserves a day off. He did vac for me the big sweetie.

I dreamt of my dead finace last night. He had long hair and was dressed in black on a black motorcycle and he took me with him after I pleaded with him. He told me to hold on to his black leather wide belt instead of clasping my hands tightly around his waist. I can still feel the leather underneath my hands. it was soft and warm.

I like motocycles, haven't been on many, well twice. I get really nervous. I really don't like riding on them but wish I did.

Today I purchase a pack of Marlboro's just cause I could, smoke two puffs from a fag, put it out and gave the pack away. At $4.07 a pack she was glad to get it. Those two puffs reminded me why I don't smoke cigarettes. I never got pleasure out of it. They taste terrible and make me cough.

Adam smoke like a chimmey for 30 maybe 40 years. He has been smoke free for the past three years and would kill me if I started smoking. He said he would toss me out of Paradise. Me and my little dog too.

I have such a headache. Had one since I got up. Maybe I should take some Claritin. These red pills they have now, melt in your mouth without water. I don't know if I have allergies but I took advil twice and it didn't work. 800mg both times. I am a big girl.

I hate chronic pain. Larry who has CA of the brain and is looking very orange today and I were talking at lunch. He showed me his wrist and told me he tried to cut himself this weekend. He's dying and is poor and divorce and crazy and knows it. He said he was just tired and ready to die. I had asked him how his liver was because he looks so orange. He said his urine is very dark and his stool is black. Too much information but I am a nurse. Still. It was in the lunch room.

Orion running around, needs to be groomed. Cat needs treats. I told her this morning that Cats might have been Gods in Egypt but they weren't in this house. She wasn't listening.

Let There Be Light

Adam completed the electric last night. Today he is watching Myth Busters and recovering. I went shopping. One of my hobbies I fear. I always want to list my hobbies as bathing, eating, sleeping, shopping, reading, gardening, video games, music. No long walks on beaches for me, raining or not.

I went to buy panties, Oh, my! I caught sport bras on sale also. My ass as gotten too fat I fear. Too many apples.

Sometimes I think I never leave the house without bringing back something to read.

I also purchase replacement pansies as 5 I planted don't look too good. I think they are dead. I don't like to give up on plants since Adam rescue a plant for me by placing it in the compost pile. Now it is almost to the ceiling. I learned my lesson. However since pansies are annual plants only loved for their beauty, these will be replaced tomorrow if they don't buck up. What is that saying? Every year there is a new group of 18 year olds to replace us.

Beauty in women. Since I had acne until the early 90's I never felt pretty. Fat and spotty. I feared people would run down the street in horror at my face. And yet I never lacked for male companionship. Oh course the guys I really like I was too shy to talk to. There was one or two maybe. Teeth was good looking. He had Latin blood and a fat sister so maybe that is why he liked me. Oh and I was easy.

When Adam and I first discovered one another one of my buddies said to me while shopping one day, "Adam is just smitten!" I replied, "Yeah? With who?" Opps it was with me. I was so humble and used to being ignored by WB that I had'nt given it a thought that Adam might of "liked" me. I didn't vamp Adam or anything. Nothing snakey. I had actively gone after men in my past. I consider myself sexually aggressive. But I wasn't that way with Adam.

After feeling sick yesterday I laid down. Adam had to sponge me off. I think it was a medication reaction. After the faintness went away, I showered and felt better. The pair of us in our goofiness stay up until today. Punch drunk from working too hard. Our bodies exhausted, our minds no capable of sleep.

The weather in the Garden remains lovely. Hoping the rest of the week stays this way.

First Day in Garden

Today while the Garden was without power except the circle of lamp light Adam arranged for me to read by, I read Blogging for Dummies. This book made me think about blogging and also the dangers of blogging. I do not want everyone to read about my life. I know Adam doesn't. So hand in hand with the snake of the public eye, I begin this blog.

The reason the Garden was without power is because Adam is rewiring the electric in the house. The Garden is a small, strange house which we purchased "As Is" 4 years ago. Adam has been working on it ever since.

And He is exhausted. He said his fingers hurt and are swollen. My poor first man.

Adam and I have been married 4 years this July. The first time I was married was also in July. Both of my marriages have been Leo blessed. First to a water bearer and now to a bull. I have been blessed.

My first marriage was a rebound marriage. I had been engaged from 18 to 21. Two months before my college graduated and Atlas and mine wedding, the world became too heavy for him and he drowned. It wasn't suicide. I am just trying to maintained my metaphors. Of course I fell immediately in love with a tan set of teeth which didn't work out, then I met my water bearer and married him. WB is not a bad guy. I just didn't love him as he deserved to be loved. I would pray every night to fall in love with him. I being raised a good Catholic good and having more fear of my Mother then God, did not divorce WB until she died. Leaving him was the bravest thing I ever did.

I do want to defend myself for no reason except I can and say I didn't want to fall in love with Adam. I left WB the day I woke up and realized I could no longer sleep in the same bed with WB morally. Adultery and Morality don't seem to be compatible. I make my own logical to justified my actions, just because I can.

Adam and I "lived in sin" for 4 years. I really was unhappy not being married. Which I found really perplexing because I believe in sex outside marriage and sleeping with your partner before marriage, and etc. The only reason I can think of my unhappiness is because I was born in the '50's.

So here I am, in Paradise with the love of my life. Because even though Atlas was a romantic hero; If I was Juliet he was Romeo. Only I was still alive. I realized that I loved Atlas, loved him with all my heart, but the heart was of a child, a young women. I loved Adam as a women. A women who had lived though death and betrayal. Births and wonderment. It was a different love and I am blessed to have the experience of both.

So that is basically my story and how Adam & I created our Paradise, The Garden.

With us in Paradise are two fellow travelers, stars fallen from Heaven, Sirius and Orion. They are Adam's & My babies. Along with a feline who was dain to join us we exist. Proving once more that Stupidity may prevail.

Actually, neither Adam nor I are stupid. Adam is a warrior taking this life off. "And well he knows a women's tears". That is what a Magi said to us once. I had paid for the reading and Adam seem to dominate it. I found it fascinating listening to her talk about him. I kind of like that Adam. Talking about him is one of my favorite things to do.

I am a Leo. My lesson in this life seems to be illness. I am frail. I actually have to go now because I feel like I am going to be sick.